Prickles Unite
by potnoodle
Summary: It's Sasuke's birthday. Love and exploding bouquets are in the air. But Ino and Sakura's plan to win his heart could dramatically backfire on them. [DISCONTINUED due to stupidity and general lack of plot
1. Chapter 1

SakuraslashIno – Because I Can

Disclaimer: All Naruto characters property of Masashi Kishimoto. I will try to return them relatively undamaged.

Authors Note:When I first heard about this pairing, I thought NOOOOOO. Then I was just shocked and disbelieving. Then, strangely intrigued. After that…

. As well as being my first fanfic for five years, it's also the first story I've tried to introduce romance into. So if you're looking for explicit scenes, look somewhere else. And don't expect this to be all about romance, either. Hehehe./Authors Note End.

Sasuke trudged along the lonely earth track, kicking stones. There were voices in his head. His family, singing …

_ Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you… _

Well, his mother would have been singing anyway. He could remember his father standing at the table, not granting a smile even on his son's seventh birthday. And Itachi, feet up on the table, smiling slightly mockingly. Of course, Itachi had been a Chuunin by then…

A bird sang in one of the trees that clustered round the edges of the pathway, and Sasuke was tempted to kick it too. He hated his stupid birthday: all the painful memories it brought back, all the Sasuke Fangirls that tore Konoha apart to shower him with dumb gifts he didn't want, need or care about. This year they would have trampled him down if he hadn't decided to skip school altogether and come here instead. A quiet place, where he could just escape from everything and be alone.

"Oi, Sakura-san. Don't you think you're going slightly over the top this year?" yelled Ino's dad from the counter of the flower store. He had to yell, because Sakura's pink-haired head and, in fact, most of her upper half were eclipsed by what seemed to be a rosebush. There was earth trickling through her fingers and scratches decorated the parts of her face that were actually visible.

"3000 … yen … right?" she puffed, dumping the bundle on the counter and fumbling in her belt for notes.

"Uh … do you want a bag for this?" asked Yamanaka-san, his worried face appearing over the top of the flower heap.

"Nah, I'll be fine. Thanks very much for letting me help myself from your garden."

"Oh, it's nothing. I'm surprised there's that many left, to be honest. I though our Ino had cleared us out of roses this morning."

"Ino took some too?" A look of panic flew across Sakura's face, swiftly elbowed aside by one of anger. "Did she say who they were for? No, wait, you don't need to tell me. What time did she leave?"

"'Bout ten minutes ago," replied the shopkeeper, looking slightly confused. "Here's your ch-" he started, then discovered he was speaking to empty air. Sighing, Mr. Yamanaka started to sweep earth from the floor.

i Damn Ino/i thought Sakura, leaping from tree to tree on the outskirts of the village. This was going to be the best birthday present for Sasuke ever. It would surely convince him that she was the only one, that her love for him was true and undying. And no-one was going to mess it up, especially not that pig Ino.

"Crap! Owww!" yelled Sakura, as she hit a low-hanging tree branch and roses sprayed everywhere. She picked them up hurriedly and rushed on, wiping blood out of her eyes. Shame she hadn't had time to remove the prickles.

Sakura had spent weeks planning this, following Sasuke wherever he went. Nothing could ruin it, not now, when she was so close. She must get there before Ino. Must prove total devotion. The girl crashed onwards through the undergrowth.

A couple of hundred yards away, a similar trail of destruction was being torn through the innocent forest as Ino raced forward, both girls rapidly converging on the same spot. Their target: the unsuspecting Uchiha Sasuke.

Lost in thought, Sasuke's ninja senses didn't even register it when a single, pink rose drifted softly onto the stony ground in front of him. However, the next two caught his eye. He looked up, puzzled. There didn't seem to be any rose bushes around. Was this just another cheesy special effect the animators had crammed in, thinking it would make the moment more poignant?

A shower of dusty earth drifted on to his hair and Sasuke brushed it off, annoyed. He had spent HOURS gelling it his morning! Although looking back, he wondered why he'd bothered. i Maybe if I put less effort into my appearance, girls would quit stalking me/i he mused.

Sadly, what may have been a life-changing (or at least image-changing) train of thought was derailed by two spikey dark spheres – one pink, one red – hitting each other at high speed about two inches above his carefully groomed hair. The mountain of roses descended, and Sasuke was enveloped by prickled, sweet-smelling darkness.

Instinct took over. "AAAAAAAAAAH!" yelled Sasuke, quickly forming animal signs with his hands. The blossoms were slowly suffocating him. Taking a deep breath, he thought, i Fire style! Fireball no Jutsu/i

From opposite sides of the pathway, Ino and Sakura watched the dark pile of flowers explode outwards, and dived for cover as the air filled with smoke, sparks and sharp things. They were both thinking silently, i Oops… /i

As the smog cleared, Sasuke became aware of two figures staring at him. Two girls. Panting, he frowned darkly. The one day he was entitled to be alone with his dark thoughts had been disturbed. This was Not On.

"INO! SAKURA! I KNOW IT WAS YOU TWO WHO DID THIS! GET OUT HERE!"

Unable to resist the summons of their mutual crush, Ino and Sakura dragged themselves onto the path to face him. All three of the ninja's faces and arms were cut and smudged with earth and soot. Ino was the first to speak.

"I'm sorry Sasuke. But it was all Sakura's fault you see. If she hadn't-"

"You bitch! These are from your stupid flower shop, you little-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP, BOTH OF YOU!" Sasuke's shout cut them both short and they stared at him. They'd never heard him raise his voice before, and it was not a nice experience. He glared at them both, then started talking fast. They listened with growing dismay.

"Now listen, both of you, cos I'm only going to say this once. I hate you. I hate both of you. Actually, I don't like anyone much, but you two I hate most of all. Call this a birthday present?" He gestured at the surrounding forest. "You might've at least removed the prickles! You two are stupid, clueless kids and I have only one thing left to say to you. I'll never go out with either of you, so stay the hell away from me. Or – or – I'll kill you!"

And Sasuke was gone, leaving behind the remains of two large bouquets and two shell-shocked girls, staring at each other across dark earth and a pile of ashes. Typically, it started raining.

Neither of them considered calling after Sasuke. They were too dazed by what he'd just said.

"That … bastard …" whispered Sakura slowly, staring at the charred blossoms. "That was my entire month's allowance."

"What did you call Sasuke-kun?" screamed Ino, out of habit. "You idiot, if it hadn't been for your bouquet, he would've-"

"-sworn his undying love to you?" said Sakura in the same quiet voice, searching Ino's face. "Yes, that's what I thought about mine too, but now-" her gaze drifted back to the ground, hopelessly. Ino watched her greatest rival getting soaked and realised for the first time that they were sharing the same emotion: bitter disappointment.

"He really hates us, doesn't he?" she said, flicking raindrops off her hair.

"Yes," replied Sakura glumly. "Y'know … maybe … we should just … give up."

"What, you mean stop stalking him?" yelled Ino incredulously.

"Mm-hm."

"Like, forever?"

Sakura wiped some blood and soil from her face. "Hell no. But maybe we should cool off a bit. And try a different tactic, cos the whole 'in your face' thing isn't working so well right now, is it?"

"A different tactic, huh? What exactly do you have in mind, Sakura-chan?" asked Ino, yanking prickles from her blonde ponytail.

Gazing at her best friend/arch-enemy, currently covered in rose petals, Sakura thought. She had been stalking Sasuke for so long it had become a hard habit to break. Was that all this crush had become? Some sort of habit. No way! She would do ANYTHING to win him back. Anything...

Then the idea happened. It was so simple, so classic, so blatantly obvious.

"Sakura, why are you looking at me like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like you're sizing me up for something."

The smile that spread across Sakura's face could've been described as sneaky. It could even have been evil.

"Make him jealous," she stated.

"Whaddya mean?"

"That's what we'll do. Make him so jealous he'll repent."

"How will we ...? Wait a second. You mean - get boyfriends."

They both pictured mentally the boys they knew. Ino spoke first:

"Nah, won't work. They're way too scared of me."

"And him...EWWW! No, there's only two people in Konoha who will co-operate totally with our plan."

"And who's that?"

"Us."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 – The wrong target.

Ino and Sakura had planned the first part of Making Sasuke Jealous carefully and decided that the best place to start flaunting their newfound sexualities would be one of Sasuke's favourite training grounds early in the morning. So at around eleven …

"What the hell took you so long, Forehead Girl?"

"Some of us like to look good before we leave the house. Ever heard of hair straighteners?"

"No wonder you're such a crappy ninja. You spend your whole time doing your hair instead of training."

"Actually, I think you'll find boys LIKE that sort of thing."

"Maybe, but boys like Sasuke like girls who can fight, not shallow ones who take THREE HOURS blow-drying their hair EVERY DAY."

"Shut up, Ino-pig. What if Sasuke finds us arguing - he'll get the wrong impression. Let's get started already!"

"OK. So. I guess we have to kiss."

"That was the idea, moron."

"This is so weird. We've known each other, like, forever. And you hate me."

"Just pretend it's Sasuke."

Ino stood awkwardly, closing her eyes. Without that penetrating blue stare, Sakura reflected, she looked almost nice. Almost. The animators were getting bored again, so they blew a few leaves across the screen in slow-mo. One of them brushed Ino's cheek and her face contorted into an annoyed grimace, eyes slamming open.

"Call that a kiss? Get real. It's gotta look convincing."

This will be my first kiss, thought Sakura. I'd always dreamed it would be with Sasuke, but no, it has to be with my worst enemy, my arch-nemesis, the most hated person in all the world: Ino-pig. The girl who has ruined all my dreams and made my plans fail. If it weren't for her, Sasuke would be mine right now. Grr, that bitch. I wish I could tie paperweights to her feet and drop her in slow-drying concrete. I wish I could – wait. This isn't the right attitude. I have to pretend to myself that I like her. What do I like about Ino-pi - I mean, Ino-chan?

Memories... a ribbon, flowers, a blonde girl helping her off the ground. Before we liked Sasuke. When we were bestest best friends. Still, bestest best friends who would not DREAM of kissing each other. Or kissing, full stop. There had to be something in the present day Ino that Sakura admired. Scanning Ino's face, she settled on the eyes. At first, she could only see dull, hardened blue. Look deeper, Sakura. Aha! there was something there, some sort of spark of friendship and affection. Not just remnants either…

"Get on with it," Ino growled. So Sakura did.

There were no explosions (it's too low budget for that) but the air around the two girls glowed faintly pink and shoujo bubbles started to hover and multiply around them. It had begun.

"4997 ... 4998 ... 4999," gasped Rock Lee, "Just ... one ... more ... ugh." His arms gave way and he hit the hard earth of one of Konoha's training grounds. Sighing, he rolled over and gazed at the sky, thinking about the ten thousand kicks he had set himself to do as penance. I mustn't be downhearted though! Every impossible target I set myself will one day be within reach! Then I can truly be worthy of Gai-sensei's pride! If I can manage the next ten - no, better make it twenty - thousand kicks, Sakura will love me! YES!

With these inspiring thoughts in his head, Lee jumped up, punched the air and ran towards the log he usually practiced his sidekicks on. He gave it a doubtful look. The patches on either side were so worn away that it looked like an hourglass. Uh-oh. Master Iruka's gonna be cross with me - they only replaced it last month. Maybe there's a tree I can practice on...

Around the glade, the trees seemed to lean back from Rock Lee's enthusiastic stare and wished they had grown more thorns when they were younger, like their parents had told them to. There was no need though. His attention had been distracted by something a few metres away. It would've looked to the casual passerby like a piece of pink candyfloss bobbing above the foliage, but Lee recognised it immediately. Edging through the bushes, he approached it cautiously, mumbling under his breath:

"It's a lovely day for a walk together, don't you think, Sakura-chan? ... too obvious ... um ... So, Sakura, wanna go someplace ... no way ... Sakura, my love for you has bloomed like the cherry blossoms. If you deny me, know that my branches will be laid bare ... yep, that sounds about right."

Satisfied with his opening line, he stood up straight, brushed a few twigs off his green jumpsuit, smiled his toothpaste-ad smile and -

- gazed in open-mouthed horror.

It couldn't be true. This couldn't be happening. Rock Lee's one true love, his reason for living, his idol, his beautiful pink-haired princess was KISSING someone else. If you don't know how this feels, imagine you've just swallowed a brick. Covered in sandpaper. Coated with lemon juice. Wrapped in barbed - anyway, you get the message. And of all the people she had chosen to smash his dreams with, why on earth did it have to be –

"-Ino." Sakura broke off kissing for a moment and looked puzzled.

"Mmm. What?" Ino opened her eyes.

"Did you just hear something?"

"What, like somebody yelling 'SAKURA-CHAN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' and then this big crash and footsteps running away?"

"…yeah. Should we go and investigate?" said Sakura half-heartedly.

"Aww ... I was nearly enjoying that. But OK then."

By the time they had arrived at the taijutsu area of the training grounds, there was only a small dustcloud and a tree with a really, really big dent in it. Rock Lee and his broken heart had left. The girls stood there for a moment, watching the shadows fly across the glade as the clouds moved overhead.

"Well, there's obviously no-one here. So shall we call it a day?" Ino gestured back at the path where Rock Lee had found them.

"No point continuing."

"Um, Sakura…"

"What?" Sakura turned quickly, a strange, frightened look on her face that she attempted to replace with a frown.

"You're actually quite a good kisser," replied Ino, smiling to show she was half-joking.

"Right? OK. Bye then." A quick, forced smile and Sakura blurred. Twigs and leaves dislodged and tangled in Ino's hair, but she didn't touch them. She just stood there for a long moment, her fingertips brushing her lips and her face confused.

It was the bi-annual All-You-Can-Eat day at the Ichiraku Ramen Bar and Naruto, Chouji and Shikamaru were determined to make the most of it. The air was full of steam and smoke from the freshly cooked ramen and the kitchen staff had started to look slightly frantic.

For Naruto and Shikamaru it had become a contest to the bitter end, or at least chronic indigestion, while Shikamaru watched them, feeling bored and faintly amused. The eating competition had passed through the phase of yelling insults at each other between each mouthful. Their corner of the ramen bar had become ominously silent apart from the muffled sounds of steady chewing and the occasional, "Pass me another bowl." The atmosphere was icy.

Until a green blur skidded to a halt beside them and started shouting at them.

"ELKBEJODSAKURAEKSOBJINODODSFO!" it said.

"What was that, Rock Lee?" asked Shikamaru, managing to sound slightly interested.

Wiping tears from his red face and leaves from his hair, the green-clad ninja tried again:

"Sakura - Ino - kissing!"

Naruto's eyes bulged. He swallowed his mouthful, slamming down his chopsticks.

"WHAAAAAAT?"

Shikamaru made the effort to fractionally raise his left eyebrow, although clearly even this small action was troublesome and unnecessary in his opinion. Chouji shrugged and continued to shovel crisps into his mouth.

Rock Lee and Naruto stared at them, outraged. How could these people not understand the concepts of True Love and Betrayal? They had to be heartless.

"What the hell do you mean, SO?" yelled Naruto, slamming his fists down on the table. "How can you guys be so CALM about it?"

"If they're together, they won't be bugging us for a while, will they?" drawled Shikamaru. The thought of Ino and Sakura ignoring him and being quiet was a good thought. It sounded peaceful, and didn't require any effort on his behalf, so he supported it.

"B-but they're both girls!" yelled Naruto. "They can't do stuff like that!"

From the shadows at the side of the ramen bar, a figure with spiked hair clutching a questionable novel emerged and grabbed Rock Lee's arm in a gloved hand.

"Where exactly did you say this event was occurring, Lee?" muttered a voice urgently from beneath a mask. "I –I must see this!"

"Kakashi-sensei, you PERVERT! It's sick! You can't go and WATCH it!" shouted Naruto indignantly. "We have to stop it."

"Oh no, Naruto-kun, we can't do that!" Kakashi gasped, brandishing his book self-righteously. "That would be a crime, preventing two such flowers in the bloom of youth from expressing their true feelings for each other!"

"Spoken like a man, my friend," boomed Gai-sensei in the now extremely overcrowded ramen bar. "Come on, Lee-kun, where was this joyous event taking place?"

"In the training ground, sensei."

"Let's go!" Gai-sensei just had time to flash a blinding smile at everyone before he was dragged away by Kakashi.

Momentary silence, then:

"Yuck, did you see that? He was holding a disposable camera!"

Fist raised, Rock Lee leapt up onto the table, splattering instant ramen in everyone's faces. He struck what he thought was an impressive pose, spoiled slightly by the noodles draped over his bowl-cut like highlights.

"Naruto, I know we've had our differences in the past, but now is the time for us to cast them aside! We must bond together against this madness!"

"Yeah, what exactly are you trying to say, Fuzzy Brows?"

"We must split them up so we can win back Sakura-chan's wayward heart!"

"Yeah!"

And in the background…

"...can anyone see my chopsticks? The crazy man hit them when he jumped on the table."

"…never mind about that now dear, let's just leave quietly…"

"Ugh, you guys wear me out, acting so hyper all the time. Just don't do anything troublesome."


End file.
